Betsy Phillips is a real-estate agent for Compass in suburban Chicago. Many of her clients are older adults who are either downsizing or moving to a care community. Her role is much larger than simply selling their home. By taking a holistic approach, Betsy and her team of social workers, designers, and financial experts can help manage the entire transition, easing the burden and the stress on their clients. In our conversation, Betsy shares her experiences of working with older adults and their children, and provides some important advice for how to best prepare for this life shift.

Should an Aging Parent Age in Place, Downsize or Move to Senior Living?

Deciding where an aging parent should live can be one of the most difficult conversations a family has.

Should they remain in the home they've lived in for decades?

Would a smaller, easier-to-manage home make life simpler?

Or would a senior living community provide the support, social connection and services they now want or need?

There isn't one right answer.

The goal is to make the decision based on the person's preferences, abilities, finances, support system and living environment, ideally before a crisis makes the decision for them.

Joe & Bella spoke with Betsy Phillips, who has worked with older adults and their families through major housing transitions. Betsy's perspective is also personal: her former husband lived with Alzheimer's and eventually moved to memory care.

In our conversation, she shared what families should consider when deciding whether to age in place, downsize or move to senior living, and why planning early can preserve more choice.

Why This Work Became Personal for Betsy

Betsy's interest in helping older adults through housing transitions goes beyond real estate.

Her former husband had Alzheimer's and eventually lived in a memory-care community.

That experience introduced her firsthand to many of the decisions families face around care, finances, legal planning and living arrangements.

"My ex-husband had Alzheimer's. He was in a memory-care community... So I've been through a lot and can relate to others who are going through similar things."

She also saw what can happen when important planning has not been completed in advance.

Her former husband died without a will, and their daughter ultimately had to become his guardian.

"Through that journey, we learned so much."

That experience reinforced one of the main ideas Betsy now shares with families:

Planning matters before a crisis begins.

Why Families Often Wait Until Something Happens

Housing decisions are frequently postponed because the current arrangement still seems manageable.

An older adult may have lived in the same home for 30 or 40 years.

The house is familiar.

The neighborhood is familiar.

The routines are familiar.

Moving can feel unnecessary, frightening or like an admission that life is changing.

Betsy has seen many families wait until a sudden event forces the issue.

"It is too often a reaction, and I think our goal should be to work together... to be proactive where they are making a choice instead of having a choice made for them."

That distinction is important.

A planned move and an emergency move can feel very different.

Betsy summarizes her philosophy simply:

"Planning, preparation and acceptance are key."

The objective isn't to convince every older adult to move.

It's to consider the possibilities while there is still time to make a thoughtful choice.

Age in Place, Downsize or Move to Senior Living?

Families generally have three broad options.

Aging in Place

Aging in place means remaining in the current home, sometimes with modifications or additional services.

This may work well when:

• The home can accommodate changing mobility
• Necessary services are accessible
• Transportation is available
• Family, friends or paid support are nearby
• Home maintenance remains manageable
• The person genuinely wants to remain there

Staying home is not automatically the best option simply because it is familiar.

The important question is whether the home still works for the person's current life.

Downsizing

Downsizing can provide a middle ground.

Someone may not need assisted living or another care setting but may no longer want:

• Stairs
• Yard work
• Home repairs
• Excess space
• High maintenance costs

Moving to a smaller home, condominium or more accessible apartment can reduce some responsibilities while preserving independence.

Moving to Senior Living

Senior living communities vary considerably in the amount of assistance and care they provide.

Depending on the community, benefits may include:

• Meals
• Housekeeping
• Social activities
• Transportation
• Maintenance
• Accessible spaces
• Personal-care assistance
• Healthcare or memory-care services

For someone who wants more built-in support or social connection, a community may be appealing even before extensive care is required.

The Decision Isn't Really Just About the House

Families sometimes assume resistance to moving is about square footage or property.

Betsy sees something deeper.

"It's not so much about the house and that they need the space. It's the people, their stories and their memories."

A longtime home may represent:

• Raising children
• Holidays
• A marriage
• A spouse who has died
• Family traditions
• Friendships
• Neighborhood relationships
• Decades of personal history

So telling someone:

"You don't need all this space anymore."

may completely miss the emotional issue.

The person may already know they don't need four bedrooms.

What they're struggling with is leaving the place where much of their life happened.

How Do You Know When It's Time to Reevaluate the Current Home?

There isn't one event that means someone must move.

Instead, families can look at how well the home continues to support everyday life.

Questions worth asking include:

• Can the person comfortably use the stairs?
• Can they get in and out of the home?
• Can they manage bathing, dressing and toileting?
• Can they prepare meals?
• Can they keep up with home maintenance?
• Is transportation becoming difficult?
• Are they socially connected?
• Is managing the home becoming exhausting?
• Is family providing more assistance than they can sustainably continue?

One difficulty by itself doesn't necessarily mean someone should move.

But as challenges accumulate, it may be time to reconsider whether the current arrangement still works.

Betsy has also worked with aging-in-place professionals who assess homes and identify changes that may allow someone to remain there longer.

Her concern is less about aging in place itself than about assuming that staying home is always the answer.

"People are staying, but sometimes they stay too long."

That is Betsy's perspective, not a universal rule. Some people remain successfully in their homes for life, while others may benefit from a different arrangement.

How to Talk to an Aging Parent About Moving

Housing conversations can become difficult when adult children approach them as a problem they have already decided how to solve.

Betsy often takes a different approach.

"One of my little gifts is that I like to reframe things for people."

Instead of beginning with what someone can no longer do, she tries to help them imagine what life could look like under another arrangement.

She may ask:

"Wouldn't it be nice if you didn't have to worry about this or that?"

That changes the tone.

Instead of:

"You can't manage this house anymore."

the conversation can become:

"What would life look like if you didn't have to maintain the house?"

Or:

"Would you enjoy having meals available when you didn't want to cook?"

Or:

"Would you like living somewhere where it was easier to meet people?"

The purpose isn't to sell the person on moving.

It's to make the alternatives easier to imagine.

Sometimes an Outside Person Can Help

Family history can make conversations about moving especially complicated.

An adult child may have been talking to a parent about the same issue for months.

Even well-intentioned advice can start to feel like pressure.

Betsy has seen situations where an outside professional can help because that person doesn't bring decades of family dynamics into the conversation.

"Because I'm not their daughter, they don't have that wall. I'm just a caring person with no baggage."

That outside perspective might come from:

• A senior real-estate specialist
• Geriatric care manager
• Social worker
• Occupational therapist
• Senior living advisor
• Aging-in-place specialist
• Another trusted professional

Sometimes a neutral person can help a family evaluate options without making the discussion feel like a fight between parent and child.

Don't Assume Moving Means Losing Independence

One reason some older adults resist senior living is the fear that moving represents a loss of independence.

But independence can mean different things.

Maintaining a large house without assistance may technically mean remaining independent.

But if most of someone's time and energy is consumed by maintaining that independence, another living arrangement could potentially create more freedom.

Betsy often tries to help clients imagine the benefits of giving up certain responsibilities.

"Somebody else cooks and cleans; there are new friends and constant activities."

For one person, that may sound wonderful.

For another, cooking, gardening and maintaining the home may be meaningful parts of daily life.

That is why the decision has to be personal.

Downsizing Is Often More Work Than Families Expect

After decades in one home, there may be an enormous amount to sort through.

Furniture.

Photographs.

Clothes.

Books.

Documents.

Kitchenware.

Family keepsakes.

Things adult children want.

Things nobody wants but nobody feels comfortable throwing away.

Betsy has worked with organizers and designers who help clients determine what should move into the next home and how those belongings will fit into the new space.

"She'll come in and start the process of organizing what things will be taken to their new home while designing where it will all go."

That kind of support can make an overwhelming project feel more manageable.

Instead of asking:

"How are we going to deal with 40 years of stuff?"

the family can work through smaller questions:

What goes to the new home?

What goes to family?

What can be donated?

What can be sold?

What no longer needs to be kept?

Help Your Parent Visualize the Next Home

Downsizing can easily become a conversation about loss.

One way to change that is to focus on creating the next home.

Which chair comes along?

Where will the family photos go?

Which table fits?

What familiar belongings will make the space feel comfortable?

Helping someone visualize where their favorite possessions will go can shift the emotional focus from everything being left behind to what they are bringing with them.

The new home doesn't have to erase the old one.

It can carry pieces of it forward.

Build a Team Instead of Trying to Do Everything Yourself

One of Betsy's strongest pieces of advice is also one of the simplest:

"Get as much help as you can. Don't be afraid to ask for help."

A housing transition can involve much more than buying or selling property.

Depending on the circumstances, families may work with:

• Senior real-estate specialists
• Move managers
• Organizers
• Estate-sale professionals
• Financial professionals
• Elder-law attorneys
• Geriatric care managers
• Social workers
• Occupational therapists
• Aging-in-place specialists
• Senior living advisors

Not every family needs all of these people.

Betsy's point is that families don't necessarily need to become experts in every part of the transition themselves.

"There are people that want to help you."

For families coordinating complicated care decisions, our guide to What Is a Geriatric Care Manager? explains one type of professional who can help organize care and services.

What About Aging in Place?

Betsy understands why many people want to remain in their homes.

She has worked with specialists who assess whether a home can better accommodate changing abilities.

Depending on the person and property, aging in place may involve changes such as:

• Improving lighting
• Reducing difficult transitions between floor surfaces
• Adding railings or grab bars where appropriate
• Making bathrooms easier to use
• Creating a bedroom on an accessible floor
• Improving entryways
• Accommodating a walker or wheelchair
• Arranging transportation
• Hiring help with household tasks
• Bringing personal-care support into the home

The goal shouldn't be to keep someone home at all costs.

Nor should getting older automatically mean someone needs to leave.

A more useful question is:

Can this home continue to support the life this person wants to live?

Everyday Routines Matter Too

Families often focus on the biggest housing questions:

• Stairs
• Bathrooms
• Transportation
• Healthcare
• Home maintenance

But everyday routines matter too.

Consider:

• Getting dressed
• Preparing meals
• Doing laundry
• Bathing
• Using the bathroom
• Getting in and out of bed
• Getting out of the house

Sometimes the solution is assistance.

Sometimes it is a home modification.

Sometimes a tool or product removes one particular obstacle.

For example, if conventional buttons or pants have become difficult to manage, adaptive clothing may make that specific part of dressing easier.

The important thing is to identify the actual challenge rather than assuming someone's age determines what they need.

How Adult Children Can Help Without Taking Over

When an aging parent's living situation begins to worry the family, adult children may understandably want to take control.

But Betsy's broader message is about preserving choice whenever possible.

An older adult can remain involved in:

• Evaluating options
• Touring communities
• Choosing where to live
• Deciding which possessions matter
• Determining which kinds of help feel acceptable

That doesn't mean families should ignore serious concerns.

It means the process can remain collaborative for as long as circumstances allow.

One of the most meaningful goals of early planning is creating enough time for the older adult to participate in the decision.

Start the Conversation Before You Need an Answer

Perhaps the most important lesson from Betsy's experience is to begin earlier.

You do not need to decide today whether someone will move five years from now.

But families can start talking.

Ask:

• Would you want to remain here if stairs became difficult?
• Would you consider living somewhere smaller?
• What would make senior living appealing or unappealing?
• How important is staying near friends and family?
• What kinds of help would you accept at home?
• Which possessions matter most?
• Who would you want involved in future decisions?

The answers may change.

That's okay.

The purpose isn't to create an irreversible plan.

It's to understand someone's preferences before a stressful situation makes thoughtful discussion much harder.

Betsy's closing advice is straightforward:

"Sooner is always better."

The Best Housing Decision Is the One That Fits the Person

There is no universally correct place to grow older.

One person may remain happily in a longtime home with a few modifications and additional support.

Another may feel relieved after downsizing.

Someone else may thrive in a community where meals, activities, transportation and support are built into everyday life.

The goal isn't to prove that aging in place or senior living is better.

It's to ask whether the person's current environment still supports their needs, relationships, preferences and daily life.

And whenever possible, begin asking that question while there is still time to choose.

Related Joe & Bella Resources

You may also find these resources helpful:

• Questions to Ask Aging Parents About Their Future
• Meaningful Questions to Ask Aging Parents While You Still Can
• What Is a Geriatric Care Manager? How They Help Aging Parents and Caregivers
• Stress of Caring for Elderly Parents: What Helps When You Feel Overwhelmed

About the Author

Ben Graham is the VP of Marketing at Joe & Bella. He leads content creation and partnerships, bringing together caregiving, aging experts and adaptive-clothing experts so Joe & Bella customers are fully equipped with knowledge to help them on their aging and caregiving journeys. With deep experience in research and writing, Ben ensures that all content is accurate and backed by research.