Most people in their early 30s aren't preparing to become full-time caregivers for a parent.
Lucinda Koza wasn't either.
At 31, she was working as a social-media manager and living in New Jersey while her father lived in South Carolina. Then a frightening series of events revealed that he had suffered multiple strokes.
Within days, Lucinda found herself navigating hospitals, rehabilitation, assisted living, finances and major medical decisions with little preparation and very little family support.
That experience eventually inspired her to create i-Ally, a platform originally built to support Millennial family caregivers who, like Lucinda, suddenly found themselves responsible for another person's care.
Joe & Bella spoke with Lucinda about becoming a caregiver at a young age, what happens when caregiving responsibility falls to one person, and why younger caregivers need support of their own.
Becoming a Caregiver Without Warning
Lucinda had never thought much about caregiving before becoming one herself.
Her parents were divorced and had both remarried. She and her father remained close, but they lived in different states and weren't regularly together.
Then she began hearing that something was wrong.
People around her father believed alcohol was responsible for changes in his behavior. But Lucinda noticed symptoms that concerned her, including slurred speech, balance problems and confusion.
One day, while Lucinda was in town and planning to meet him, her father called while driving.
He didn't know where he was.
Lucinda eventually tracked him down and got him to the emergency room.
There, she learned that he had suffered multiple strokes.
By that point, Lucinda says her father had significant cognitive and physical changes, including aphasia, memory loss and vascular dementia.
In an instant, she stopped being simply his daughter.
She became his caregiver.
Feeling Invisible in the Hospital
Lucinda stayed at the hospital with her father for five nights.
She barely left.
Looking back, one of the things she remembers most clearly is how invisible she felt.
The doctors and nurses were understandably focused on her father's medical care, but Lucinda was also experiencing a major crisis.
She had suddenly become responsible for someone whose health and future were uncertain, without knowing what she was supposed to do next.
Yet no one seemed to ask how she was coping.
That experience stayed with her.
Caregiving often focuses entirely on the needs of the person receiving care, while the family member coordinating that care can disappear into the background.
Lucinda's experience made her increasingly aware that caregivers need support of their own.
When the Responsibility Falls to One Person
Lucinda also learned how quickly family caregiving can become one person's responsibility.
She asked her older brother for help.
He declined.
Her father's wife left while he was hospitalized.
Other people who had been part of her father's life largely disappeared as well.
Lucinda was left trying to make sense of what had happened while simultaneously making decisions about what came next.
She became her father's power of attorney and took responsibility for his finances while he was still in the hospital.
She was also trying to keep her own job.
Eventually, she lost it.
"I wasn't prepared for this role, let alone had time to emotionally process this massive life shift."
For Lucinda, the caregiving crisis wasn't one isolated problem.
Her father's health, her career, her family relationships, her finances and her own emotional health were all changing at the same time.
Navigating Rehab and Assisted Living Without a Roadmap
After leaving the hospital, Lucinda's father needed rehabilitation following his strokes.
A hospital social worker helped explain that he needed services including speech, occupational and physical therapy.
But Lucinda still felt largely alone in figuring out what came next.
When insurance coverage for rehabilitation ended, her father could not simply return home and live independently.
Lucinda had to make another major decision quickly.
He moved into assisted living.
She describes the decision-making as physically and emotionally draining.
She wasn't just processing what had happened to her father.
She was learning an entirely new system while being asked to make choices that would shape his future.
That experience is one reason Lucinda believes younger caregivers can face a particular kind of shock.
They often aren't expecting caregiving at all.
Why Young Caregivers Can Feel Especially Unprepared
At the time of Joe & Bella's interview with Lucinda, i-Ally was focused particularly on Millennial family caregivers.
Her reasoning came directly from her own experience.
Older adults may have had conversations about future care, retirement, assisted living or long-term planning.
A younger caregiver may get no warning at all.
Lucinda hadn't prepared to become her father's caregiver.
Her father hadn't planned for it either.
By the time the need became obvious, the family was already in crisis.
She saw similar experiences among other younger caregivers who suddenly found themselves caring for:
- A parent
- A spouse
- A child
- Another family member
while also trying to maintain:
- A career
- Relationships
- Their own finances
- Their own health
- Plans they had made for their future
Lucinda wanted younger caregivers to have somewhere to turn when all of those responsibilities collided.
Turning a Caregiving Crisis Into i-Ally
As Lucinda moved through the first years of caregiving, anger and frustration became part of what motivated her.
She had felt unsupported.
She had struggled to figure out healthcare, finances and living arrangements.
She had lost her job.
And she had watched family caregiving responsibility land almost entirely on her.
Eventually, she decided to channel that experience into something that could help other people.
"I'm going to tell my story and I'm going to use my pain to help others."
That idea became i-Ally.
Lucinda wanted to connect people who had suddenly become caregivers and give them access to the peer support, information and resources she wished she had received.
At the time of our interview, i-Ally offered a caregiver community along with access to resources and experts across areas such as mental health, insurance, Medicare, dementia, legal support and financial coaching.
Lucinda's goal was to create a place where caregivers could ask questions, learn from other people going through similar experiences and feel less alone.
Family Caregivers Carry Enormous Responsibility
One of the core ideas behind Lucinda's work is that family caregivers frequently have much more power and responsibility than they realize.
They may be involved in:
- Medical decisions
- Financial decisions
- Medications
- Meals
- Housing
- Transportation
- Appointments
- Daily personal care
- Communication with healthcare providers
But having responsibility does not mean someone asked for it.
Lucinda describes caregiving as an enormous amount of unpaid labor that can arrive suddenly and disrupt nearly every part of someone's life.
That contradiction matters.
A caregiver can be incredibly important to another person's health and daily life while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed, angry, trapped or unprepared.
Those feelings do not mean the caregiver cares any less about the person they're helping.
Caregivers Need Support Too
Lucinda's experience also changed how she thinks about caregiver self-care.
Family caregivers can become so focused on the person receiving care that their own needs gradually disappear from the schedule.
Lucinda believes caregivers need to find ways to rest and take care of themselves so they can continue showing up for the people who depend on them.
That does not necessarily mean elaborate wellness routines.
It can mean:
- Accepting help
- Taking respite when available
- Finding other caregivers to talk to
- Seeking mental-health support
- Asking family members to share responsibilities
- Setting boundaries
- Making time for sleep, food and basic personal needs
During her father's rehabilitation, Lucinda remembers being so overwhelmed that even going to the grocery store felt impossible. She would return to the empty house where she was staying and search the cabinets for food without having the emotional energy to simply stop at a store.
That memory illustrates how completely caregiving can consume someone's attention.
If you're experiencing that kind of ongoing overload, our guide to the stress of caring for elderly parents explores practical ways to recognize caregiver strain, ask for help and create more sustainable support.
The Importance of Caregiver Community
Lucinda's advice to other caregivers is strongly shaped by how isolated she felt.
She believes one of the most valuable things caregivers can do is find other people who understand what they're going through.
That may include:
- Other family caregivers
- Support groups
- Online communities
- Mental-health professionals
- Caregiving organizations
- Friends who are willing to listen
Not everyone in a caregiver's life will understand the experience.
They don't necessarily have to.
Sometimes the most important thing is simply having someone willing to hear what the caregiver is actually feeling without immediately trying to fix it.
What the Pandemic Revealed About Caregiving
Our original conversation with Lucinda took place during the COVID-19 era, when caregiving became even more complicated.
Access to doctors, therapists, supplies and support systems changed dramatically, while caregivers were simultaneously trying to protect family members who might be medically vulnerable.
But Lucinda also saw the pandemic bring greater public attention to caregiving.
Professional caregivers, healthcare workers and family caregivers became far more visible in the public conversation.
For Lucinda, one lesson extended beyond the pandemic itself:
The people providing care need support too.
Family caregivers perform enormous amounts of work that often remains unpaid and largely unseen.
Recognizing that work is only the beginning.
Caregivers also need practical resources, community and systems that acknowledge the role they're already performing.
You Don't Have to Know Everything on Day One
Lucinda's story didn't begin because she wanted to become a caregiving expert.
It began because her father needed someone.
She learned by making phone calls, asking questions, navigating systems and solving one immediate problem after another.
That experience eventually became a mission to make the path easier for the next person.
For someone who has just become a caregiver, especially at a younger age, the responsibilities can feel impossible to absorb all at once.
You may suddenly be learning about:
- Insurance
- Rehabilitation
- Assisted living
- Medications
- Legal documents
- Finances
- Healthcare systems
- Benefits
- Family dynamics
while simultaneously processing the fact that someone you love is sick.
You do not have to understand the entire caregiving system immediately.
Start with the next decision.
Ask questions.
Find people who have been through it.
Accept help when it's available.
And remember that being the caregiver does not mean your own life and wellbeing stop mattering.
About Lucinda Koza
Lucinda Koza founded i-Ally after unexpectedly becoming her father's caregiver in her early 30s.
Her experience navigating his strokes, rehabilitation, cognitive changes, assisted living and ongoing care inspired her to advocate for younger family caregivers and create resources for people who suddenly find themselves in similar situations.
At the time of this interview, i-Ally was focused on building a digital community and resource platform for Millennial family caregivers.
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